OPEN WOUNDS

I thought I was all healed until I was sat alone relegated to a mere afterthought after I had opened up my heart, sent an olive branch, forgiven, and tried to understand but it seems my best was not good enough. I wondered why I put myself in these situations, in positions of vulnerability doing my best to be sincere but all that seems like a naive notion on my end. Maybe just maybe I try too hard to be loved when I love hard but it all seems in vain. Not many of my pieces and stories begin with a rumbling of sorts but I had to put my thoughts in perspective to be able to articulate my experiences and stories. Also connecting my emotions to prose is the one positive I can take out from all this ordeal. This is my only outlet, as many times I have written, these words are my solace, my therapy my way of let's say healing, and a process of maybe letting go. I am rumbling again but do stick with me as I try to articulate these feelings as raw as they are. 

I am a sucker for romance, and love and I had worked out my kinks, and my distrust and was open to finding love again. The last one was a bit of a doozy so much so that I had to take a step back and just be me, see me, and love me some more. Here I was, ready at least I thought I was to embark on a journey, rekindle my once self that believed in the fairy tales with a touch of maturity that she is not a damsel in distress but in the mutual sweeping off of our feet. In the words of Moss Def "And then she arrived, like daybreak inside a railway tunnel, like a diamond in the mine, like the new moon.." It was all cagey not that love at first sight things but intentions subtly shared until at last a meal and intentions were shared. We were in concert as she was the moon to my sun and her breath went with the rhythm of my thoughts. I guess that is what I thought. 

Sitting here seemingly in limbo I wonder if it was all in my head, maybe I tried too much, maybe she was not ready and maybe I was holding on to an idea instead of rational thought of signs that led to the opening up of wounds that I thought had closed.  Yaani nikama nilianza kuamini sana hivi karibu nijisahau. I am rumbling again, apologies. It was one of those days that was all gray, overcast but warm, in my jacket no umbrella but yes I was warm and her smile made it all the better little did I know that was the last smile I would have. In the words of popular media, the atmosphere was sending "Death flags" in the sense that the happiness was going to be short lived. About to embark on a journey to a far off place I thought I would see more of her but excuses kept coming up, and it was like the case of same script different cast. This time wounds were opened and all I got was an oops maybe next time and I wondered why do I even try. 

The interaction that preceded ghosting, gaslighting borderline emotional abuse made me question a whole lot. Am I even valued? Does she really want to be here? Do I really want to be here? To what end must I put up with all this? I got to love myself more and put myself first. That was my agreement with self and now I am drawn back and left with open wounds. Work I had put and fears that I had lived through now relived in a different context. Sigh, I deserve better than this and shall move, forge ahead with the lessons learned that the wounds may have been opened but I will not bleed out dry.